5 STEPS TO GET YOUR PARTNER TO COMMIT

30 June 2011

Tried & Tested

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ZOO's relationship guru John Aiken is here to make your relationships something you can easily handle....

This week's question:

I’ve been with my partner awhile now, however I don’t know where I stand. I’ve never brought it up either. I'm just SOOOOO bad at speaking of these things. Sometimes I think he doesn't mind either way, because he would have said something by now. I imagine a lot of people must be thinking "Just ask him!!" but it's not that easy...
What’s the best way in solving this?
Norina

John says:

This is one of the most painful situations to find yourself in – being in a relationship with someone who can’t commit. You may be living together, sharing the rent, and having plenty of quality sex. You might spend a lot of time with each other’s parents and friends and go away on regular overseas holidays together. But at the end of the day you lie awake at night not being sure if they’re going to commit to you.
The harsh truth in all of this is that you’re responsible for this situation. You’ve taught your partner that they don’t need to step up and commit. You’ve made it easy for them – and now they’re going to keep riding the gravy train! Once you’ve accepted this bitter pill, then you’ll change your ways and do something about it.

But be warned. The only way to push through this state of uncertainty is to meet it head on. That means having the talk and being prepared to walk away if you don’t get the commitment you want. If you can’t do this, they’ll simply smile and call you bluff and everything will stay the same.

So if things have got bad enough and you’re prepared to walk away, then follow these 5 steps:

1) Confront the issue head on
You need to take responsibility for this mess and make things right. Confront the commitment issue and ask your partner very specific questions. You need to know the following – “are you in love with me?”; “do you want to marry me?”; “when do you want to have kids and how many?”; “where do you want to buy a house?”; when are we going to open a joint bank account?” If you don’t ask - you won’t get.

2) Give them an ultimatum
If you don’t get the answers you need then move to the next stage which is ultimatum time. If you think you shouldn’t do this - think again! You’ve been with them for long enough, you know what you want and they’ve become too comfortable. Light a fire under them. Make it clear you need a commitment from them by a certain date on certain issues. Spell out what you want and what you need to move forward.

3) Walk away
Here’s the toughest step. You must walk away if they can’t give you a clear commitment. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been living together for 8 years and are really close to each other’s family and friends. If they don’t get on board with your timeline and commitment plans then walk. They don’t get to have you without commitment. It’s that simple. However if you can’t do this, then get ready for nothing to change. They’ll just stall and let things return back to limbo.

4) Cut all contact
Sever your ties with them once you’ve walked out the door. Stop all contact and go cold turkey. Make it clear that the only time you want to hear from them again is if they want to commit. That means no texts, emails, phone calls or coffee catch-ups. Stop hanging around with their friends or family members and absolutely no sex! They need to understand what it’s like to miss you. This will either get them to come back, or they were never into you enough in the first place and you’re better off without them.

5) Only re-unite with commitment
If your partner does get in contact with you again, make it clear that you’re only going to get back together if there’s commitment. That means moving in together, engagement, marriage, planning for kids, opening a joint back account etc. Also, before re-uniting and jumping back into bed together, they need to take action on these steps. Words aren’t enough anymore. You need to see change now, and new actions must occur. From here on in you’re going to know exactly where you stand and you’re going to be with someone who wants the same things as you.

Check out our Men in relationships: Busting Myths feature below!

Over to you: Have you ever been through this and what tips have you got to get your partner to commit?

For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com

See John on The Circle show giving advice about how to stop going after the wrong types!