ZOO's relationship guru John Aiken is here to make your relationships something you can easily handle....

This week's question

Do you think people are capable of changing after they’ve cheated on you? And how many chances should you give them? Sam. 

John says:

One of the biggest traumas you can ever face in a relationship is when you find out that your partner has cheated on you. It might be a one-off incident when they got drunk and shagged a work colleague at Friday night drinks. Or, it may be that they’ve been having a secret affair for months or even years. Whatever the case, there’s always a huge fallout and you’ll be faced with the key question “can I ever trust them again?” Can a leopard really change its spots?

Well, the good news is that you can trust again and people can change. However certain things are going to have to occur between the both of you if this is going to succeed. It’s going to be painful and it’s going to take time – but if you think your partner is worth fighting for, then you have a chance to turn this around.

The bottom line is that your partner will need to show you certain signs that they’ve changed and are prepared to do things differently moving forward. If they can’t do these then you’ll never trust them and your relationship will fade out and die.
In terms of how many chances you should to give them along the way, this will be over to you. However my suggestion is that if they’ve been caught out cheating once already, and then they go and do this again you have your answer. They don’t want the relationship enough and you can do a whole lot better with a partner who is trustworthy and reliable.

So here are 5 signs that tell you can trust your partner again after an affair:

1) They cut all contact with their lover
Your cheating partner needs to cut all contact with their lover. This can be difficult if they work together, mix in the same social circles or live next door. However, if you’re going to trust them again you need to know their lover is out of the picture. If they ever contact your partner again you also need an agreement that this goes to you first before they respond back. You must work as a team now and be totally transparent.

2) They show remorse and accept responsibility
You don’t want to hear excuses like “it was an accident”, “all men cheat – it’s what we do!’, or “I don’t know why it happened?” Nor do you want them to tell you that it was nothing and to downplay it all. Instead, they must show you real pain and remorse for their actions and take full responsibility for their bad choices. If they don’t, then you’ll simply keep your guard up because everything indicates that they’ll do it again.

3) They answer your questions
Most people who have been cheated on will have specific questions they need answered. You’ll have graphic images running around your head that never stop, and you’ll obsess about what exactly happened. You must be able to ask your questions – however graphic – to get the pieces of the puzzle. If they aren’t prepared to answer these questions or they give you vague responses then you’ll suspect they’re hiding something and you’ll never move forward. 

4) They follow new rules
To move forward with trusting your partner again they’re going to need to follow some of your new specific rules. It might be that they take off all passwords from their cell phone and computer, show you weekly bank statements and monthly phone bills, or come home from work at 6pm every night. They might need to ring you twice a day, stop work travel, or cut off contact with toxic friends. Whatever the rules, your partner needs to make these a priority.

5) They address relationship issues
If they manage to get this far and show you all of these signs, then it’s time for you both to turn your attention to your relationship. There will be aspects of this that aren’t working and you’ll both need to give this an overhaul. In the end, your relationship must be different moving forward if you’re going to survive. Look at the areas of communication, sex, time spent together, socialising, parenting, finances, housework and in-laws. Get in a professional if you have to, but make sure that these problem areas don’t remain obstacles to re-building trust. 

For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com

To get free chapters of his best-selling book Accidentally Single go to www.accidentallysingle.com 

Remember

Email us your dating and relationship questions and let John help you out: zooweekly@ninemsn.com.au

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