Unless you’re dating a high-schooler, chances are your girl has some exes floating around. We show you how to deal with them...
The Needy Ex
She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, even though they’re no longer together. He rings up with questions like: “How can I know you loved me, even if you don’t anymore?” and “Can I get my socks back?” She spends all her time consoling him and wonders why you get the s----.
What to do: Don’t stress. Seriously, this dude is so pathetic that if you even worry about him, you’re lowering yourself. When he calls, go play video games.
The Stalker Ex
First it’s a single rose. Then a playing card (hearts at first, spades as his gifts are ignored). Finally, the severed head of a dove, with the eyes replaced with rubies. At least you’ll both hate this guy.
What to do: Return the favour, without telling your girl. Send him increasingly weird things. Start with shoelaces, pictures of rodents and pieces of cheese. Move onto live insects, hair and Eskimo poetry. End it by hiring a midget to follow him. How do you like it, a------?
The Drunk Ex
The two of you are lying in bed all post-coital. Her phone rings, and a garbled voice — like a lead ball bearing inside a garbage can full of wet dishrags — comes down the line. It’s her ex drunk-dialling, and as usual, you can’t tell if he’s asking to shag her, p--- on her, or trying to order a pizza.
What to do: Get drunk together, but get him drunker than you. Then start describing this girl you’re seeing and he’ll open up about his ex. When the moment comes, you can tell him who you are in a suitably humiliating fashion. While he’s drowning his sorrows, “borrow” his phone and delete your girl’s number. Or she could just get his number barred...
The Alpha Ex
The guy bothering your bird is a mountain-climbing, orphanage-building superman. And he wants to be her “friend”.
What to do: You can’t compete, so don’t try. Don’t let on that he bothers you. Ask about him. She’ll eventually spill the beans about his thing for dressing as a nanna while she spanked him. After all, if he was as good as he seemed, she wouldn’t be wasting her time with you, would she?
The “Special” Ex
He was her first love. They were together for five years. She still has the ring he gave her to symbolise their mushiness. She keeps the picture of him as a schoolboy in her underwear drawer. And there’s you, looking like a f------ knob while she bangs on about this bloke.
What to do: Play it cool — this is important to her, and your first reaction means a lot. If you can befriend him, do. Like, actually do. That way you can find out if he’s stirring your gravy, and you can decide whether to garrotte him or spare his life. But if you go spare straight out of the box, it could bea deal-breaker for her, and might even drive her back to him.
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